When someone tells you

Your first response

People often tell a friend or family member long before they tell police, a doctor or a counsellor, if they tell anyone at all. How that first person reacts can shape whether they reach out again.

• Listen. Let them share as much or as little as they want.
• Believe them, and say so: I believe you.
• Tell them it wasn't their fault, whatever they wore, drank or did.
• Thank them for trusting you.
• Ask what they need right now: What would help?
• Let them make the decisions. Offer options, and don't push.

What to say, and what to avoid

Questions that start with why can sound like blame, even when you don't mean them that way. Confronting the person who caused harm can put everyone at risk. And telling other people without permission takes away control from someone who has just had it taken from them.

Helping them know their options

You don't need to have the answers. You can help them find out what's available, and go with them if they want.

• Medical care, even if they're not sure about reporting. Some care works best within hours or days. About medical care.
• A sexual assault centre or support line, which is free and doesn't require a police report. Support lines.
• Reporting to police, now, later, or not at all. It's their choice. About reporting.
• Counselling, now or down the road.

If the person is a child or teen

If a child or teen tells you they've been abused, stay calm, listen, and tell them they did the right thing by telling you. Don't promise to keep it secret, and don't question them in detail. That's a job for trained professionals.

Every province and territory has a law requiring people to report a child who may need protection, such as a child being abused by a parent or caregiver, or one whose caregivers aren't keeping them safe. Some provinces go further and require a report of any sexual abuse of a child. Reports usually go to your local child protection agency, and in some places the police can take them too. You don't need proof.

The ages covered differ (under 16, 18 or 19), and in Ontario the duty doesn't apply to 16- and 17-year-olds. If you're not sure what applies, call your local child protection agency and ask.

What to do if your child tells you

Supporting them over time

• Check in days, weeks and months later. Recovery isn't a straight line.
• Expect a range of reactions: numbness, anger, fear, trouble sleeping, flashbacks, or seeming completely fine. All of these are normal responses to trauma.
• Respect their pace, and don't set a timeline for getting over it.
• Encourage professional support, but don't force it.

Look after yourself too

Hearing about sexual violence is hard, especially when it involves someone you love or brings up your own experiences. Many sexual assault centres support friends and family as well. You can talk to someone about how you're feeling without sharing the other person's identity.